Flawed to perfection

I'm a fuckin emotional wreck. Today was all super awesome and then things turned to shit and I broke down. I'm literally sick of myself, who I am, what I do with my life, how I act, I need to figure this out now and just stop being who I was. I need to get a grip, and get over myself and my fears and just change. I mean when it gets to the point that reading something about yourself literally makes you sick...you know there's something wrong. I've been getting into arguments with everyone and like I don't know, the last one with my dad...I snapped and crawled up on a couch and just melted. I have a gift to fuck things up SO easily, I got into a thing with my friend, my mom, my dad, pretty soon work too. I mean it sucks that for the past two days I've managed to crash and just emotionally crumble...and the fact that my body isn't holding up too well either REALLY doesn't help. I've lost appetite for a full day, and then about half a day. And I know I have to take care of myself but how the hell are you supposed to eat when your body is rejecting it? Like just the thought OF food repels you ughh whatever.
I need to get out, do something, I need air something, movement, a new job, motivation for fuck sakes. I literally don't have any motivation for ANYTHING. I complain about repetition and then my whole life IS repetition. I keep saying I want to change but I don't take the fuckin steps in that direction. I feel sick all the time and it's not even physical, it's all brought on by whatever thoughts roam my head, and I know that but I don't know what to do with them.
Maybe I'm just over reacting to everything, maybe I'm being a whiny sap, but either way, I am seriously hating the blows life delivers, and I hate ALL blows, I hate seeing the people I care about ge hurt by these blows as well. One minutes everything is happy and good and then BAM right in your face everything just fuckin bursts. And I feel bad because like I don't want it to take over but once I'm like this I'm in such a terrible mood that I'm not even worth talking to. You'll get short answers and it'll make things worse because then I don't express myself properly and things just get worse. And I hate when that happens because then I try to explain but that makes the rest worse as well. I feel like a terrible friend and I feel bad for the ones who just ask how everything is and they're just being very nice and caring friends and then I just I don't know...urgh I HATE myself for doing this...

Whatever, life is what you make it, and I'm strongly starting to see what I've made mine and I'm not liking it. (There's the first change I should make. Get over myself and just take the hits and deal.)
Until next time,
Sab.

Today was a freaking emotional roller coaster. You know the kind of day where you go through SO many emotions that it's like IMPOSSIBLE to think back to everything. It makes the day seem so much longer. I mean I wake up after only five and a half hours of sleep because I've got my grandma, my aunt, my other aunt with her two kids (who live in Alberta) all over at our place. So right then I'm like DEAD tired and have to be happy and chirpy because it would be wrong not to. So there I am half asleep leaning on the kitchen wall trying to keep the conversation going...at 7:30 in the morning. Which is a huge feat when you went to bed at two...in the morning. The day moves along, I get ready for work, leave the house endure the full six and a half hour shift of standing there being 'happy' which I must say I was at one point. During my first break I drank an energy drink and was on a roll when I went back down. And I had a bunch of like SUPER happy customers who took my lame jokes and played along or just laughed which is awesome because I will say strange things and when they don't take it, they just give you this 'what the HELL are you going off about?!' Which sucks! so yea. By like 3:30 I finally get my second break and I go up and have to make/take, calls for the awesome evening my friends and I were planning. But by then, the energy had worn off, and I was getting hungry but I didn't have much to eat so I stuck to some water and a brownie. My friends and I clear everything up for the evening and then I go back down to finish my shift. But by then, not only had the energy worn off, but I'm starting to feel sick, my back is aching and I'm REALLY not as thrilled as before yet I have to keep a happy face on. Eventually work's over and I get to leave to meet up with friends to go see...dun dun dun dun...THE DARK KNIGHT!!! As I'm walking there, my body keeps acting up and going all weird on me but I ignore it...as always. Finally the time comes; we're all there tickets in hand and awaiting to go in. Excitement in all of us, we stand in line and enjoy the wait. Finally wait is over, we are let in and OH MY GOD, the movie is BRILLIANT!! We all left speechless. We all make it outside and wait for rides for those who were getting rides there and then my friend and I walk to where her lift is gonna be and then I'm offered a lift, repeatedly but I keep saying it's fine that I want to walk (normally this would sound normal. I forgot to mention, it's POURING rain on and off.) But personally if I had a crap day or I don't even know how to describe it, but sometimes a good, long walk in the pouring rain is the perfect therapy for whatever is in my head. Which is why was so keen on walking. So I start walking and plug myself in to my iPod and get 'I Don't Care' by Apocalyptica on repeat and get moving. I was literally egging on the rain to start pouring. I NEEDED to get soaked. NEEDED to just let the rain rid me of all that was on my mind.

I don't know if I was hoping deep down, or like expecting it, but I had a hunch my friend and her mom would roll up close by and get me in the car. Which inevitably happened. But you know, I love to death my awesome friend (MANDA :)) and her awesome mom and so I hopped in after trying to convince them that I really was FINE walking home. They wouldn't have it so there I was sitting there soaked being asked 'why were you flipping off cars?' Which I really wasn't I just move a lot when I walk down the street in these moods ahaha and I think it becomes theatrical. At least now I know WHAT I look like while walking down the street XD. But then like I said, I don't know if I was hoping unconsciously to be seen ahahah either way I had fun walking part way and getting soaked and it really did do it's good. I feel better and I find it awesome that her mom wouldn't take 'no' for an answer and actually threatened me if I were to NOT take the lift at a later time ahah.

I never meant anything by not taking the lift I know it's never been an issue, and I know that she will drive me home if need be but I don't know maybe it's just me, but when we get good rainfalls like that, I like to be standing there waiting for it to hit...especially if I need for it to hit...like today :\

A friend told me not long ago, that as much as the punk scene was amazing and that she loved it, she found it hard to truly get into unless you live the street punk lifestyle and you yourself undergo what 'punks' do. I mean we can all love what these great punk bands are saying and truly believe in it, but it's not something that most people can EASILY relate to. Which I must say that it is true. I mean I don't know that lifestyle and I don't think I ever will, but I will always appreciate it and everything it has taught me. However, I recently I decided it was about bloody time I checked out Anti-Flag. A band I'd heard of for a really long time yet had never taken the time to check it out. And lately I've been growing more open to these different music scenes, don't get me wrong I wasn't a die hard fan of the rap scene and turned to punk. My play lists vary greatly I can range from like classical, through punk, with styles most people don't even know of. But anyways, that's besides the point, I had always been interested in the punk music, but only lately have I been getting more and more into it; the true punk scene, we're talking the anarchist, government hating, mohawked to death, punk scene (and yes I realize that last part sounded quite superficial but hey! a girl has got to love mohawks!) But yea, once again, I'm getting carried away sooo...the point of this is basically to talk about the fact that two days ago I left work and I NEEDED to buy a CD and the only thing close was Best Buy (actually I think that was just my excuse to enter an air conditioned building...keeping in mind I walked out of work, took 30 od steps and was already at Best Buy, dying. This is my tolerance to heat people...very low...) But yea! So I walked in aiming to purchase an A7X CD but they had nothing, what a surprise. But as I browsed, I realized they had Anti-Flag CD's and I didn't own any so I checked it out and decided FUCK YEA! I am buying this..NOW! And walked out the proud owner of FOR BLOOD AND EMPIRE Later that evening I finally took a look at the CD and like I flipped I hadn't realized how amazing the CD case itself was until I opened it. First there was this like see through sticker on the plastic so I took that off and placed it on my laptop. And then the CD had a slipcover, you know those like protective cardboard-ish type thing...anyways and on the was the 'broken gun star shape' logo, and I realized after that there was actually like something written ont the inside and yea. I eventually OPENED the damn thing and just even the CD cover amazed me. Honestly I have to say that although Anti-Flag is punk, I think they are probably one of the easier punk bands to relate to because after looking over their lyrics and some of the inspirations, or background on the songs, I realize more and more that they aren't really as much government hating for the lack of support they get or anything it's more of a fight for justice, you know? Like a bunch of their songs attack the government in relation to the fact that that government is not taking action towards helping out the countries in need. The song called Emigre closely talks about that. I loved the song at first but then I read the inspiration and the essay that goes with it in he CD booklet and like it's amazing once you realize what it's really about. The whole song just talks about Genocides really and they say that it as also inspired by Pastor Martin Niemöller and his speech revolving around the Nazi followers. Attached to the 'Essay' in the booklet comes a letter by a survivor from the Rwanda Genocide and that letter I mean it's so great and touching. Quick overview; basically this woman is a survivor, at the age of 8 she returned to her Rwanda home to find that she had lost over 100 family members and friends during the Tutsi killings by the Hutu extremists. And then this woman, she could have lost all hope yet she is now fighting for the Genocide going on in Darfur. Stephanie Nyombayire is "now the Representative of Genocide Intervention Network which is working to empower each citizen with the tools to take action against Genocide."

http://www.genocideintervention.net/
I strongly recommend for you to go and look at the website at least. Become a member if you are interested. It's free, and you'll get newsletters and ideas as to how you can help within your community to put a stop to Genocide. No one should have to face this. We can help. We can make the change. We just need people willing to make it happen. People like Stephanie Nyombayire, who learn from the past in order to better the future.

There are is a great number of links, essays, quotes, what you will within this CD. It's an awesome record, but the material within is brilliant. A great way to try and get people involved. To show us that something is wrong and we MUST put a stop to it by joining up and fighting for what is right.

I've been thinking a lot lately about stories. Ever since we read Thomas King's novel The Truth About Stories A Native Narrative, I've had the words stamped in mind. Thomas King once said, "Stories are wondrous things, and they are dangerous." And it's true think about it, when telling someone a story, even if it's just a happening in your day, wat you say and how you say it can change the entire perspective. This morning, I finally figured out how to formulate what I had been meaning to say. You see I don't know, maybe it's just me but sometimes I wonder if people don't tell stories a certain way to get a certain attention from someone. And I don't mean this in a bad way, because mostly when thinking this I think of the way I talk with certain people and the way I act with them. I mean sometimes, most of the time it's not even the subject of the story that can be revealing or damaging depending on how you look at it; but the context in which you use it, and the way you say it. Sometimes I wonder if when telling something to someone I'm not unconsciously making it sound more dramatic or comedic or whatever the story may be about in search of either a particular attention or just response. And I'm not saying I'm doing this purposely but I wonder sometimes if we don't sub-consciously embellish the truth depending on who we are talking to and about what. I mean I've actually caught myself telling the same story to two different people and the way which it's told isn't the same. Sometimes I don't even bother with one person, meaning I don't go in depth about the story or whatever I'm talking about. I mean this is just some random thought given to whomever wants to read it and finds it remotely interesting. And to quote Thomas King once again; "<...> It's yours. Do with it what you will. Make it the topic of a discussion group at a scholarly conference. Put it on the web. Forget it. But don't say in the years to come that you would have lived your life differently if only you had heard this story. You've heard it now."

I am hoping this is close to sounding good, I tried cleaning it up yesterday and really liked the sound of it but today it's not affecting me as much so any comments or advice, you are welcome. Manda, feel free to suggest stuff :D
Wrote it with Transformation Within as the title.

I've falen for you
Like never before
For anything similar
I gave you a shot
And I felt the change
The change within
I sensed the transformation
As the moon shone high above
Only emphasizing
The angelic demons
Awakening inside
I lost all control
I let you take over
You carried me
Where I'd never been
I could sense you
Crawling through me
Through every cell
And every core
You are the air I breathe
The blood that pumps through my heart
That runs through my veins
The blood of life
With you by my side
I could face all dangers blindly
(Face everything
With no fear in my heart
---or---
Face fear
As if I'd never been scared)
You brought me
Where I craved to be
You guided me
Into the unknown

This is one of the first thing i ever wrote song wise. Actually with the help of my moms boyfriend we got it on track and yea. Its old and probably needs work, but I figured I could get this up and see not only the feedback but how much things have changed. I'll take all comments just don't be TOO harsh.
Works with te title; The Horrors of 2003

I’m telling you 2003
As a year was horrible
My gram had a stroke
Then broke her left hip
And she’s going to have to learn
How to walk again

The horrors of 2003
Got to my grandparents
My gram had a stroke
And my gramp got breathing problems

Everytime she took 5 steps
She ended up falling 10 steps back
As I said
My gramp got
Lung problems
From working in a mine
He also ended up
In the hospital

The horrors of 2003
Got to my grandparents
My gram had a stroke
And my gramp got breeathing problems

At the time
My gram had
Fallen 10 steps
She went back to the hospital
And so did my grandfather
Both were in different hospitals

The horrors of 2003
Got to my grandparents
My gram had a stroke
And my gramp got breathing problems x2

SYNYSTER GATES IS AN ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS AND TALENTED, TALENTED MAN. [In more ways than one ;) - Manda speaks from experience and THUMBS UP] Oh yes she does. <3


Okay, and The Rev gets coolpoints, too.




HACKEDDDDDD. 234097235090000388883782639862113///.